Never Tear Us Apart

August 23, 2001

 

The entire ride to the bus station had been like this, Dean’s rough hands on the steering wheel, knuckles almost white in frustration, and Sam trying to act like he didn’t notice it all.

He had noticed.

They sat and screamed at each other in silence as Dean drove Sam somewhere for the last time and neither one of them did anything about it. In the eighteen years they had been brothers, Sam and Dean had devolved a language devoid of any words or sayings, it was a vocabulary of looks and gestures that spoke volumes about their mood. The way that Dean drove with both hands meant that he didn’t trust to have one hand free because every instinct screamed at him to back hand Sam and drag him back to the hotel and force him to apologize to their dad.

Which wasn’t happening.

The way that Sam was watching the small town they had been in race by out the window meant that he had no indication of giving Dean another chance of talking him out of this as he had the past forty times it had been brought up. In fact it was an extension of The Talk that had plagued them from the first moment Dean had told Sam the truth about what their father did. The problem being, they were a family of hunters.

The answer being, Sam didn’t want to be one.

It was an old argument where Dean tried to convince Sam he was being stupid, selfish, arrogant, self centered, bull headed, stubborn, apathetic, jerk like and even once gay about his decision to go to college. Where Sam countered Dean was being idiotic, inconsiderate, egocentric, cavalier, uncompromising, fanatical, heartless, bitch like and even once a total douchebag about it and he should leave it alone.

He didn’t leave it alone.

They sat in the Impala and screamed at each other in silence as Dean drove Sam to the bus station and out of their life. And neither one was happy about it. There was something not right about the Winchester brothers, something that was just a little off to anyone who noticed them. They sat a little too close, cared a little too much, and they fought a little too long. A few times they had been pegged as a couple, both of them being handsome enough to pass as outstanding examples of homosexuality, they just simply cared a bit too much about each other’s well being. A trait that most brothers don’t express so willingly in public. The truth of the matter was that though they both were genetic offspring from John Winchester and he was their biological father, Sam knew who had raised him and he knew whose approval he craved. Though why he craved it was a mystery, he knew that before he got out of this car, he needed Dean to be alright with this.

Dean was not alright with this.

Sam saw a small diner as they passed by and sat up a bit in the passenger seat “Hungry?” he asked looking over to Dean for the first time since they left the hotel. Dean looked over, ignoring the diner and locked eyes with Sam. In that language that had no words they had a conversation where Dean asked what the hell was going on and Sam answered please pull over so we could talk. It was a long and complicated conversation where Dean wanted Sam to be like a band-aid and just pull it off quickly. He wanted to drop him off, go to a bar and hope the night didn’t end him crying to himself about being alone in the world again. Sam pleaded to him that he didn’t want to leave like this. As Dean jerked the wheel and pulled them into the parking lot his answer of then don’t leave was almost an explosion of anger and frustration without uttering one word.

Minutes later they were sitting in the small booth across from each other, menu untouched in front of them as the waitress got them coffee. They sat there and stared at each other, the three of them. Sam, Dean and the silence from the car. They sat there and waited for the other one to start. Dean thought this was Sammy’s idea, so he starts. Sam thought Dean was the one who was mad so he should start. Silence wondered if it was too late to get a cup himself since this was going to take awhile.

They sat and screamed at each other in silence, waiting for the other one to talk.

As always, Sam was the willing to put his cards on the table first “Dean, I don’t want you to be angry.”

“Angry?” Dean said just above a whisper, which was yelling for Dean in a public place “Angry? I’m not angry Sam, I’m so past angry that I can’t see it in the rear view mirror any more. I’m pissed, pissed at the way you handled this whole thing. Pissed on how you went out of your way not to let dad know ahead of time so you could just exit stage left. I’m pissed at a lot of things Sam but angry? I haven’t seen angry in hours.”

Sam sat there stunned as Dean went back to looking into his coffee. It was the most words Dean had spoke in a row in weeks. Ever since the acceptance letter had come back from Stanford Dean had been quiet, supportive but quiet. Sam had thought Dean understood, that he grasped the need for Sam to get out of this life and do something else. He thought that of all people in the world, Dean would be the one to get it. But sitting here now, looking into the pit of resentment that he saw in Dean…Sam had to wonder who was taking this better. John, who had told Sam if he left to don’t come back, or Dean who sat there in silence, screaming at his brother to stay.

“Dean.” He started again. “You know I didn’t want to be a hunter.” He said it as a statement but it was actually a question. The thought that nine years of arguments about how Sam wanted a normal life and another way of living had never penetrated into Dean’s skull made Sam’s mind whirl. Could it be that in all this time, Dean just didn’t want to believe it? When Dean didn’t look up from his coffee he said again. “Dean you did know that, right?”

Not looking up Dean said. “I heard you.” which wasn’t an answer.

“Did you believe me?” Sam asked with real shock lacing his words.

Dean sat and said nothing as silence leaned over and conferred with his client for a moment. When Sam asked “Dean” again his bother looked up quickly.

“No, Sam. Ok? Is that what you wanted to hear? No, I didn’t believe you were serious.” Dean Winchester was a complicated young man, and no one knew that better than Sam. The cocky, sure stepped youth who seemed to take everything in stride and never had a thought deeper than ‘what’s to eat’ was an illusion and Sam thought at times he was the only one to ever see through it. Not even his dad seemed to grasp the depths of Dean’s sorrow at times, and Sam had always been afraid of losing his big brother to what lay just beneath his eyes at times. Sam had seen Dean laugh, cry, wallow and even burst into song once, all within the confines of the hotel room they were calling home at the time. And every time Sam was stricken on how different the real Dean Winchester was from the public one. But one thing neither Dean was, was stupid. So there was no way Dean could have heard Sam complain about their life for so long and not believe it unless he had somehow made himself believe that Sam had been lying.

“Why would you not think I was serious, Dean?” Sam asked really wondering now what this was about.

“Not important.” Dean said opening up the menu. “Let’s just eat and get you off, ok?”

Sam reached over and pulled the menu out of Dean’s hands .“Dean, why would you not think I meant what I said?”

Dean glared at him for a moment, a gesture that hadn’t worked on Sam in forever. Dean’s face when angry was a marvel of straight lines and barely contained fury, but Sam had seen this side of Dean and would never, in his entire life, ever be afraid of his big brother. He widened his eyes for a moment and silently said ‘Come on!’. Dean looked down for a moment and without making eye contact said under his breath. “I never thought you’d leave me.”

Sam almost asked what, but knew there was no way on God’s green Earth that he was going to be able to make Dean say that again. Still looking down , Dean almost muttered “I always thought it was going to be you and me out there, Sam. Two brothers against the world, hunters extraordinaire. I never thought you were serious about leaving me, that’s all.”

Sam felt like he had been punched in the gut, he sat there as his mind tried to piece together Dean’s admission and not feel like a complete ass. He took a sip of coffee and hissed as it burned his tongue. The pain was good, he needed pain right now. Putting the cup down he grabbed Dean’s wrist and moved out of the booth. “Come on!”

Dean looked up in shock and allowed himself to be pulled along. He looked over his shoulder and said to the waitress. “We’ll be right back! Special with ham if you could- over easy!”

Sam pulled him out of the diner and around the corner to the Impala. He practically tossed Dean down on the hood, who sat there stunned as Sam stood there trying to find words. Dean had seen Sammy worked up before, but never like this. At 18, Sam was already taller than Dean and had a frame that Dean secretly was jealous of. Looking at his little brother all he thought of was how much damage he could do if he was built like that, and it was all going to waste to become a lawyer.

“Look Dean, I don’t know what you have stuck in your head. But you’re wrong. I am not leaving you.” Sam’s words came like water sputtering from a hose, unsure with spurts of surprising force. “I am leaving this life and this lifestyle. I can’t do this anymore. The hotels and moving around and never being in one place. The constantly having death hanging over your head like a sword of Damocles…”

“Who?” Dean asked from the hood.

“Shut up!” Sam said spinning on him. “I am not leaving you!”

“Are you going to be here Sammy?” Dean asked quietly.

“Well..no.” Sam said as if the answer surprised him.

“Am I going to be here?”

“I suppose.”

Dean smiled with no feeling at all. “Then how can you say you aren’t leaving me?”

“It isn’t you Dean, it’s the life! I can’t handle this life anymore.” Sam said almost pulling out his hair.

“Bullshit” Dean said standing up. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You could handle it Sam, you could handle it just fine.” Dean got right into Sam’s face. “Truth is you don’t WANT to.”

They stood there screaming at each other in silence. Both of them looking like they were ready to hit the other one. Finally Sam’s expression changed and he said, “Dean, I can never leave you. You’re my brother.”

Dean’s expression went from anger to shock in nothing flat. “What?”

“You’re my brother and I could never leave you. Say the word and I will stay.” Sam crossed his arms and waited for his brother’s response.

“You’d do that?” Dean asked with suspicion in his voice.

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you Dean.” He said simply.

Dean watched his eyes for several moments and then his shoulders slumped in defeat. “Let’s get you something to eat before I drop you off.”

Dean began to walk away as Sam asked, “What?”

“Time’s awasting Sammy, come on!” Dean said over his shoulder.

Sam ran up and pulled his brother around. “Dean, I said I would stay if you want me to.”

Dean smiled, this time for real. “I know. And what kind of ass would I be if I made you stay?” Dean put his hands on both of Sammy’s shoulder and said, “I am so proud of you kiddo. Now go and do what you do best.”

Sam blinked away tears. “And what’s that?”

“Be smart and bug the crap out of everyone else.”

Sam stood there as Dean pulled him in for a hug. “Doesn’t matter where you go little brother. Nothing can ever tear us apart.”

Sam hugged him back, relishing in the feeling of having the only person he cared about understand why he was going.

Luckily he couldn’t see the anguish in Dean’s face as he hugged his little brother good-bye. Or he might have never left.

“Let’s get some pie!” Dean said pulling back.

“Thought you wanted dinner or something?” Sam said following him in.

“Pie is dinner Sammy! Dinner, Lunch, Breakfast and everything in between.” Dean said looking back “For a smart guy you’re pretty dumb sometimes.”

Sam hit him in the back lightly. “Jerk.”

Dean smiled at him. “Bitch.”

They sat there and cried with each other in silence, for it was going to be the last time they did it for a very long time.